


Fly Away

by tuesday



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Family, Gen, Love/Hate, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 20:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20102824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/pseuds/tuesday
Summary: It started as love, the simple and fierce devotion of a child who thought his father could do no wrong.





	Fly Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yujacheong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yujacheong/gifts).

> Thanks so much to LearnedFoot for looking this over!
> 
> This was written for the prompt "hate that starts."

It started as love, the simple and fierce devotion of a child who thought his father could do no wrong. When Han was around, he was all smiles and easy affection. He was always ready with a joke or to ruffle Ben's hair. He brought back little gifts, trinkets meant to reassure Ben that he hadn't been forgotten. Any time spent together was precious, treasured all the more for its rarity.

But children grow. Ben grew. He came to see his father with clearer eyes. Dross and trash from other planets couldn't buy him off anymore.

"Come on, you're not too big for a shoulder ride yet," Han said as he lifted Ben.

"I said," and Ben drew on the power around him, the power the voice in his dreams promised was his to control, "_put me down_."

They were both pushed to the floor. Han tucked himself around Ben, refusing to release him even when the universe itself tried to separate them. Han's head hit the stone hard enough to split the skin.

Confused, angry, and afraid, Ben burst into tears.

"It's okay," Han said again and again, but he was lying. Ben knew that now. Han always lied. As easy as his smiles, as easy as his jokes, lies came to him more naturally than breathing. "We're okay."

*

"I'll take him," Han told Leia. "It's the least I can do."

"I don't want to go," Ben said. He was crying again, and his anger at the fact that he couldn't stop only made him cry harder. "Don't make me go. I won't do it again. I promise. I'll be good. Please don't make me go."

Leia was crying, too, silent, elegant tears. Obviously she didn't want Ben to go, either. But she didn't stop Han. She enfolded Ben in one last hug. She smelled like flowers and sunshine. Her hair was like silk against Ben's cheek.

"I don't want to go," Ben repeated, but eventually Leia pulled away.

"Luke will take care of you," Leia promised him. "He'll teach you everything you need to know."

Han packed some of Ben's things, put a hand on his shoulder, and pushed him toward the _Falcon_. He took Ben away.

*

"I hate you," Ben said.

"No, you don't," Han said, though under the flippant tone was what sounded like a sliver of hurt. He stowed Ben's stuff in with Luke's.

But Ben did. He hated the Academy. He hated Luke. He hated Han for sending him here, for giving him up—for giving up on him. He hated Han.

Ben _hated_. It was a problem. He couldn't go home until he overcame it.

*

(Instead, it overcame him—but that came later.)

*

Han tried to call sometimes. Ben didn't answer.

Han tried to visit once. Ben refused to see him.

*

"Be nice to your father. He misses you." Leia was attempting to play the peacekeeper again. She was always making excuses for him. "We both miss you."

"If he really missed me, he wouldn't have brought me here," Ben said.

"We all decided this was what would be best for you," Leia said.

"At least you were around before." Ben stared at the edges of the holo. "He couldn't be bothered until it was time to take me away."

"He's a busy man," Leia said, but she didn't sound like she believed it. How was she supposed to convince Ben, who knew better? She couldn't. They both knew Han was a deadbeat whose family had never rated as a priority.

"He couldn't wait to get rid of me," Ben said when he could speak. His eyes burned. His throat was tight.

"That's not how it was," Leia denied.

"That's exactly how it was." Ben turned off the holo.

Ben hated Han and Ben hated being lied to. It didn't matter that Leia was lying to herself first. Ben wouldn't stand for it.

*

"Your parents love you," Luke said. His hand was warm on Ben's shoulder. "It'll be okay. We'll get this under control. You'll be home before you know it."

Uncle Luke was a liar, too.

*

Eventually, Han stopped trying.

It wasn't a surprise. That was what Han did. He gave up on people. Han didn't actually care, not really. He just amused himself for as long as it was convenient and wandered off when he got bored.

*

Years passed.

Luke tried to murder him.

Ben gathered up all the other abandoned children, the ones Luke had tried to control, and burned down the Academy that had been his prison. He cut down anyone who got in his way. He accepted, finally, that he wasn't ever going home.

He found somewhere else to take him instead.

*

The next time he saw Han, they were on a walkway. Han's face was creased with new age lines. His hair had gone gray. Ben recognized his father in the beaten down old man standing in front of him.

Ben was weak. He felt a pang at all the years missed, the years Han had thrown away. Ben hated Han, yes, but love had come first.

It was the truth: Ben was weak. When Han came close, Ben wanted nothing more than to meet him halfway. Ben wanted to go home, though home was a childish idea that had never been real. The First Order had shown Ben that. Everything that had come before was a lie. Anything that came after would only be self-delusion.

Ben wanted so much to put his hand in Han's like he was a child again, to get on the _Falcon_ and fly away.

Ben was terribly, pathetically weak.

Kylo ignited his lightsaber and cut that weakness away.

*

It started as love. Ben had loved Han. Ben still loved Han. Without that love, Ben wouldn't have hated so deeply, so fiercely, like a child scorned.

It started as love.

All Kylo let himself feel was the hate.


End file.
